ieva melgalve » happiness

collapsing things

ieva — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 15:54:28 +0000

First, thanks for the good wishes, folks – I’m remarkably better. I’m, actually, too good, come to think of it – I managed to get healthy enough to promptly stir up my personal life in ways I shouldnt’ve done.
However, that taught me not only some “maybe you don’t wanna do this” things I’m not sharing here; it taught (more like reminded) me also the fact that I feel, in a weird way, more comfortable in messed up situations than I do in stable ones.
I feel better when writing as far as my headlights go instead of consulting a map of outline.
I feel better during recession than during corporate headbutting in economically safer times.
I feel better when I’m uncertain about my relationships than when I plan buying a country house for us when we’re 70.
I feel better when my kids are misbehaving, when they’re quiet I wonder whether they’re sick or sad or doing something forbidden.
I feel better working in an ever-stressful advertising agency than I do, say, translating a book.
So I’m thinking, if I feel so good in collapsing, messed up and awkward situations, then probably I shouldn’t fall into mass hysteria of “literary market is collapsing, nobody reads books and if they do they don’t pay for them” but instead embrace this situation and feel great about it. After all, I write non-conventional stuff (which should be doing better in non-conventional situation), and I’m just starting. Whatever I do, it’s going to go better from this point on. And, this being a crazy time, I can try out things that work better for me, make more sense to me and doesn’t mess with my writing.
The people who say they know what’s going on and how to proceed are just as lost as I am. But unlike me they have dignity to lose.
Me? I know (from recent experience) that I’ll be making blunders anyway. So better to make ones I enjoy making.

goofing around

ieva — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 16:54:35 +0000

I wrote 300 words for the past two, now three days. I’m going to use something big and heavy and bad to force myself to write at least the 300+ words necessary to meet my goal.

In other words, bad bad girl. But a life-enjoying happily-bouncing girl nevertheless.

Update in 1 hour or so: nothing big and heavy used, 500+ words are on the page, things are happily unrolling. For the first time, there is a real book on the scene. Judging by Vega’s apprehensive attitude, it seems that she can’t read. Oh well. Something to save for the sequel, I guess.

Happiness

ieva — Sun, 10 May 2009 22:42:00 +0000

There are countless folks who have deliberately (or more or less by bad luck) been miserable and somehow through that achieved artistic mastery (or at least so they or their biographers say). Scary to think about all the people who have been miserable in order to achieve mastery and haven’t succeeded while they could, theoretically, been happy and satisfied with lesser goals.
However, misery doesn’t work too well for me. It didn’t when I screwed up my love life to get more emotions, it didn’t when I felt I’m too “talented” to get a regular job, it doesn’t now when I’m driving myself crazy taking up countless commitments and then beating myself up for not meeting my own expectations. Or simply driving myself crazy with no reason or excuse at all. Sure, it gives me very interesting nightmares and spices up my marriage with new, inventive conflicts, but it doesn’t do anything useful for my writing. Nor for my job or for my kids or for my husband and friends.
On the other hand, when I’m happy I work better and I am nicer to people and sometimes I write and sometimes I don’t but either way I feel good. Sure, I don’t accomplish everything I’ve promised to and I fail in most idiotic ways, but well, at least I don’t spend much time obsessing about it.

Guess what promise I’m making today.